i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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