We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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