She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
