I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
