I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
