why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
