just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
