So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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