Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
