am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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