In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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