peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
