some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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