Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
