Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
