why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
