apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
