I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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