Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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