she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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