I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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