If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
