You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
