so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You're like the curious george of whores
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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