I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
