My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
