I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Vodka?
Forever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
