we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
