Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
