One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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