From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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