I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
