I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
