I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
