Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
