Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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