I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
