When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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