also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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