Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
