My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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