what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
