Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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