Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
