Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
