So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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