Betty ford says i'm here all night
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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