At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The air was thick with penises
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
