she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
