It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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