Just fell off a train. Bad.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We need to get me chipped asap
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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