god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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