Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
