when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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