At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
